Every eight years or so, Uncle Sam wets the bed, and we have to hold an election in order to change the Sheets of Democracy™ and restore his dignity. This is especially true for this coming election, in which we find Uncle Sam very nearly drowning in an ocean of his own body waste after eight years of George W. Bush as the leader of the free world. We, as Americans, can best be considered negligent nursing home staff because in 2004 the bed had already clearly been wet, but even though everyone could smell the urine, we persisted in not changing the sheets for another four years. Are you tired of this metaphor yet? Me too. Let’s move on.
No presidential campaign is complete without a little mudslinging, and in the 2008 race there’s been more mud slung than at the 1987 National Mudslinging Championship, the tournament’s muddiest year. First, everybody was shocked at that minx Hilary Clinton for showing off her bodacious 61 year old funbags, and then we all got mad at the race’s token WASP for paying $400 for a haircut*, and then we openly discussed all the weird rumors about Mormonism that are usually only discussed behind closed doors. However, the most mud has been slung at one Barack Obama, a graduate of Harvard Law, bestselling author, and most importantly, a black guy. Isn’t that cool!? Don’t you think that’s cool? There’s a black guy running for president! Look how far we’ve come! Let’s all treat him just like the other candidates and pay close attention to his political philosophies and ideals, okay? Let’s prove that the Democrats can rise above the reputation of the Republicans.
*Yeah, I know, it’s really freaking funny that I’m writing about a guy spending a lot of money on hair care. But you know what? The hair I pull out of my shower drain looks better than the stuff John Edwards has on his head, and it only costs me $15 to get it cut, plus tip (which is substantial, considering the labor involved). You know what this tells me about John Edwards? It tells me that he’s not good at money management, and therefore a sucky president. God, he should really drop out of the race or something.
Psych! You forget, this is America. Sure, Europe was pretty good at racism, but we’ve taken it and turned it into an art form. You’d be hard pressed to find a single race or culture that we haven’t tried to suppress/completely wipe out in the past 400 years. Hell, look at me dissing all white people based on the actions of the vast majority of our ancestors – that’s what it is, that’s America, right there, the ability to hate anyone, anytime, for anything. Sure, we all cry during American History X and turn our nose up at KKK marches, but as soon as a black guy runs for president we set our phasers to racist and we just go. No, we’re not going to say that he’s big into watermelon or fried chicken, because that’s old hat racism – this is the 21st century! Plus, Islam is currently our religion of choice for hatred, so we’ve got to work that in too. What we’ve come up with is a unique blend of racial and religious bias that burns two separate races: Because Barack Obama is black (1), people are willing to believe that he’s a Muslim and therefore a terrorist (2)! Also, according to the above document, his mother is an "ATHEIST", but this doesn't count as a slam because atheists don't have feelings anyway. This is a spectacular and very creative show of racism; I give it four out of five Strom Thurmonds.
“But Truman,” you say. “We don’t think Obama’s a Muslim because he’s black! We think he’s a Muslim because his middle name is Hussein and his last name rhymes with Osama!” Ah, but I beg to differ. Do you think that those scare-tactic emails would be forwarding as fast if they alleged that Dennis Kucinich was Muslim? No, they wouldn’t, because Kucinich is a short white guy from Cleveland who most of the country hasn’t heard of despite his massive political cajones, and he’s also dropped out of the race already, so there’s that, too. Simply put, we’re not as willing to believe wild religious rumors about a white guy unless he’s a Mormon, in which case nobody will be afraid to ask if he eats his own young for vitality.
The damndest part of this is that we’re not even to the real election yet – this is all Democrats bringing down Democrats, because this party doesn’t have enough problems as it is. A lot of people are assuming that since the Republicans have done nothing but very publicly screw up for the past few years, Americans will be so disenfranchised with corruption that they’ll vote for the Democratic candidate just to keep the Republicans out of office again, thus the fight for the Democratic nomination is the real fight for the White House. Here’s the thing, though: Norbit was nominated for an Academy Award. This is proof that America, the country that invented democracy, has forgotten how to vote in a logical way (American Idol be damned). If we expect a Democrat to win, we’ll wind up with a Republican, and vice versa, and if you adopt my perspective and assume that all presidential candidates, regardless of race, have some degree of inherent criminality, then Criss Angel will be our next president. Sure, he may be ostensibly Satanist, but this is America, so we’ll probably give the white guy a free pass.
Truman Capps would be fully willing to elect Teddy Roosevelt as emperor of Earth for all time, but that would require bringing him back from the dead, and a zombie emperor of Earth is hardly a good thing.