The House of Representatives narrowly passed a health care reform bill a few days ago, to much condemnation from the right and praise from the left. Here are a few interesting facts about this controversial piece of legislation:
Death Panels Are Go
The brouhaha over Death Panels that ensued over the summer died down after it was proven that the public option would not empower the government to decide when old people died. Yes, it turns out that the actual language of the bill allows the government* to decide when any person can die, young or old. Also, if the person the Obama Administration has selected for termination does not already have a preexisting medical condition, the bill gives government commandos the authority to create one. Special attention shall be paid to babies, whose blood will be used as ink for future healthcare legislation.
*And by “government,” they mean “the Illuminati,” and by “the Illuminati,” they mean “President Obama’s fellow countrymen in Kenya.”
We Will Punch Mortality In The Face
Democrats are quick to point out that the only reason the Health Care Bill allows for rampant, Holocaust-style extermination of innocent people is because once there’s a public healthcare option available, average lifespan in the United States is projected to jump from 79.5 years to Infinity. While this is great for the bulk of the non-Marilyn Manson listening population, it will create something of an overcrowding problem, hence Death Panels.
Taxes Will Jump A Bit
Once it officially becomes the government’s responsibility to care for every sick or injured person in America, everyone, particularly small business owners and single mothers, can expect to see a significant tax increase in order to fund abortions for illegal immigrants. In some cases, the taxation may surpass simple monetary payments and instead require taxpayers to physically perform the abortions themselves, on the penalty of being Death Paneled. This is, after all, necessary in order to provide enough ink for forthcoming healthcare legislation.
Justifies Not Giving Money To Homeless
Fine print in the healthcare legislation will make it a federal law that people no longer have to feel bad for not giving money to panhandlers, as they are a part of the generation that provided free healthcare to all Americans. Instead, people are now allowed to point at the homeless and shout, “Spare change!? I just saved your life!” The homeless person in question will then be so overcome with gratitude for his savior that he will kick his heroin habit, get a job at Starbucks, and volunteer on the weekends at a charity of your choosing.
Innovative Cost Cutting Measures
In order to cut down on the number of injuries requiring government funded medical attention, the Obama Administration will be collecting everyone’s guns in order to prevent any unnecessary injuries. This is also intended to make it easier for the Death Squads to do their work, and to better mimic the actions of other Socialist* countries. This ban on firearms will also extend to the military, as the healthcare legislation will coincide with President Obama’s plan to call off the War on Terror and allow Osama bin Laden to live in a house belonging to either a heroic fireman or Lance Armstrong.
*Oh, yeah, we’re officially socialists now, if you didn’t notice.
We Will All Be Heroes
Democrats who voted for Barack Obama in the 2008 election will be recognized the world over as bold, renegade humanitarians who defied all odds in order to bring medical care to all. When visiting Europe, they will be entitled to no less than three (3) free drinks and ten (10) high fives from Europeans who are overjoyed that America has finally joined all other industrialized nations by recognizing the true value of human life. Also, in about ten years, Michael Bay will direct a feel-good biopic about each and every Obama supporter’s life in order to further commemorate the gravity of their decision to single handedly eliminate human suffering (in America).
Music Will Never Be The Same
The words to “Freebird” will be rewritten to instead be overtly congratulatory towards President Obama and liberals in general. The same is true for “God Bless Texas” and every song by Bruce Springsteen. All unaltered (or “inferior”) music will be wrapped up in surplus old-style American flags,* set on fire, and dropped in the ocean.
*The new style will consist of a single large picture of Michael Moore high fiving Keith Olbermann, accompanied by the full text of Moore’s firey rant about the Bush Administration at the Academy Awards several years ago.
Everything Will Be Fixed, Forever
Once healthcare legislation breezes through Congress and is signed into law, the economy, abortion, gay marriage, war, swine flu, and people driving slow in the left hand lane will all take care of themselves, simultaneously, in the space of about a week. Then, President Obama will undoubtedly be recognized as the greatest president of all time and you won’t have to feel bad about all the trash you talked to your Republican friends during the election or worry that maybe Obama won’t accomplish quite as much change as he promised.
Everything Will Be Ruined, Forever
Once they railroad healthcare legislation through Congress and get it signed into law, the economy, abortion, gay marriage, war, swine flu, and people driving slow in the left lane will all become much, much worse in the space of about a day. Your only comfort after you’ve killed and eaten your neighbors just to stay alive in the postapocalyptic nightmare that is 2010 will be that you were right all along – they can keep the change.
Truman Capps squeaked in kind of late on this one – blame it on the alcohol.