I know two things. I know that honey mustard is delicious, and that I hate flogging a dead horse. Now, of course, there are exceptions in both cases – sometimes I’m in more of a spicy Dijon mood, and I’m perfectly willing to flog dead horses like Fox or the city of El Paso when they’ve worked their way under my skin enough. But even then, those are mere passing references. I’d like to think that I’m not the sort of guy who would jerk his (small) fanbase around by writing multiple updates about the same thing within a short timespan. But, to be honest, I know three things:
I know that honey mustard is delicious, I know that I hate flogging a dead horse, and I know that I really hate Sarah Palin and everything that she stands for. And I thought that her resignation announcement would be her last word on the issue, so I wrote the blog about that a while ago and called it good.
But then she went and started talking again, and what kind of man would I be if I didn’t address what is without a doubt one of her least comprehensible speeches yet?
What an absolutely beautiful day it is, and it is my honor to speak to all Alaskans, to our Alaskan family this last time as your governor. And it is always great to be in Fairbanks. The rugged hardy people that live up here and some of the most patriotic people whom you will ever know live here, and one thing that you are known for is your steadfast support of our military community up here and I thank you for that and thank you United States military for protecting the greatest nation on Earth. Together we stand.
“Honestly, folks – the asses here in Fairbanks are without a doubt the finest asses I have had the pleasure of kissing.”
And getting up here I say it is the best road trip in America soaring through nature's finest show.
I’m sorry, but I believe Meerkat Mansion is nature’s finest show.
Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun. And then the extremes. In the winter time it's the frozen road that is competing with the view of ice fogged frigid beauty, the cold though, doesn't it split the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs? And then in the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here, Mother Nature wins.
If I put this in an English textbook I guarantee you I could convince a bunch of 10th graders that it was stream-of-consciousness transcendentalist poetry as opposed to political posturing.
It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild good life teeming along the road that is north to the future. That is what we get to see every day.
“From our helicopters, as we reload.”
And it is our men and women in uniform securing it, and we are facing tough challenges in America with some seeming to just be Hell bent maybe on tearing down our nation, perpetuating some pessimism, and suggesting American apologetics, suggesting perhaps that our best days were yesterdays. But as other people have asked, "How can that pessimism be, when proof of our greatness, our pride today is that we produce the great proud volunteers who sacrifice everything for country?" Now this week alone, Sean Parnell and I we're on the, um, on Ft. Rich the base there, the army chapel, and we heard the last roll call, and the sounding of Taps for three very brave, very young Alaskan soldiers who just gave their all for all of us. Together we do stand with gratitude for our troops who protect all of our cherished freedoms, including our freedom of speech which, par for the course, I'm going to exercise.
David Letterman and the Internet, on the other hand, do not have this luxury.
And first, some straight talk for some, just some in the media because another right protected for all of us is freedom of the press, and you all have such important jobs reporting facts and informing the electorate, and exerting power to influence. You represent what could and should be a respected honest profession that could and should be the cornerstone of our democracy. Democracy depends on you, and that is why, that's why our troops are willing to die for you. So, how 'bout in honor of the American soldier, ya quite makin' things up. And don't underestimate the wisdom of the people, and one other thing for the media, our new governor has a very nice family too, so leave his kids alone.
Somebody should tell that to Alex Rodriguez – I hear he knocked up both of Parnell’s kids, made the dog watch, then ran off with his wife. And Parnell has a tiny penis.
OK, today is a beautiful day and today as we swear in Sean Parnell, no one will be happier than I to witness by God's grace Alaskans with strength of character advancing our beloved state. Sean has that. Craig Campbell has that. I remember on that December day, we took the oath to uphold our state constitution, and it was written right here in Fairbanks by very wise pioneers. We shared the vision for government that they ground in that document. Our founders wrote "all political power is inherent in the people. All government originates with the people. It's founded upon their will only and it's instituted for the good of the people as a whole." Their remarkably succinct words guided us in all of our efforts in serving you and putting you first, and we have done our best to fulfill promises that I made on Alaska Day, 2005, when I first asked for the honor of serving you.
Don’t call your job an honor when you hate it so much that you quit halfway through your term. If you’re honored to be doing something, it’s implied that you want to be doing it. Nobody’s ever been honored to do something they hate. “Well, it’s been a real honor being the chief Dogshit Eater for these past six months, but I’m afraid I must resign. And leave my replacement’s kids alone!”
Remember then, our state so desired and so deserved ethics reform. We promised it, and now it is the law. Ironically, it needs additional reform to stop blatant abuse from partisan operatives, and I hope the lawmakers will continue that reform. We promised that you would finally see a fair return on your Alaskan owned natural resources so we build a new oil and gas appraisal system, an is an equitable formula to usher in a new era of competition and transparency and protection for Alaskans and the producers. ACES incentivizes new exploration and it's the exploration that is our future. It opens up oil basins and it ensures that the people will never be taken advantage of again. Don't forget Alaskans you are the resource owners per our constitution and that's why for instance last year when oil prices soared and state coffers swelled, but you were smacked with high energy prices, we sent you the energy rebate. See, it's your money and I've always believed that you know how to better spend it than government can spend it.
For the record, when she says “your money” what she’s actually referring to is “whatever is left after I buy plane tickets for my family and accept per diem to live in my own house.”
I promised that we would protect this beautiful environment while safely and ethically developing resources, and we did. We built the Petroleum Oversight Office and a sub-cabinet to study climate conditions.
“…And then disregard those studies so we can drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.”
I promised that we would manage our fish and wildlife for abundance…
Oh, what, she shot fish from a helicopter too?
…and that we would defend the Constitution, and we have, though outside special interest groups they still just don't get it on this one.
She’s right – the Constitution doesn’t say that you can’t try to ban books from the local library…
Let me tell you, Alaskans really need to stick together on this with new leadership in this area especially, encouraging new leadership... got to stiffen your spine to do what's right for Alaska when the pressure mounts, because you're going to see anti-hunting, anti-second amendment circuses from Hollywood and here's how they do it. They use these delicate, tiny, very talented celebrity starlets, they use Alaska as a fundraising tool for their anti-second amendment causes. Stand strong, and remind them patriots will protect our guaranteed, individual right to bear arms, and by the way, Hollywood needs to know, we eat, therefore we hunt.
Those Hollywood liberals prefer to eat meat that comes from inhumane and sadistic factory farming operations as opposed to inhumane and sadistic helicopter and shotgun operations.
What I promised, we accomplished.
“And in two and a half years, no less! So I just figured, hey, why not knock off about a year early?”
So much success, and Alaska there is much good in store further down the road, but to reach it we must value and live the optimistic pioneering spirit that made this state proud and free, and we can resist enslavement to big central government that crushes hope and opportunity.
In Palin’s eyes, the only opportunities the government should crush are the opportunity for gays to get married and women to have abortions. All other opportunities should remain un-crushed.
Be wary of accepting government largess. It doesn't come free and often, accepting it takes away everything that is free, melting into Washington's powerful "care-taking" arms will just suck incentive to work hard and chart our own course right out of us, and that not only contributes to an unstable economy and dizzying national debt, but it does make us less free.
Could you speak up? I can’t hear you over the sound of the Alaska Permanent Fund.
I resisted the stimulus package. I resisted the stimulus package and we have championed earmark reform, slashing earmark requests by 85% to break the cycle of dependency on a stifling, unsustainable federal agenda, and other states should follow this for their and for America's stability. We don't have to feel that we must beg an allowance from Washington, except to beg the allowance to be self-determined. See, to be self-sufficient, Alaska must be allowed to develop - to drill and build and climb, to fulfill statehood's promise.
And, most of all, to be able to rape the bejeezus out of its environment.
Alaskans will remember that years ago, remember we sported the old bumper sticker that said, "Alaska. We Don't Give a Darn How They Do It Outside?" Do you remember that? I remember that, and remember it was because we would be different. We'd roll up our sleeves, and we would diligently sow and reap, and we can still do this to carve wealth out of the wilderness and make our living on the water, with strong hands and innovative minds, now with smarter technology. It is what our first people and our parents did. It worked, because they worked. We must be prudent and persistent and press for the people's right to responsibly develop God-given resources for the maximum benefit of the people.
Alternative energy is not a God given resource. It is for fags and ladyboys.
Yes, America must look north to the future for security, for energy independence, for our strategic location on the globe. Alaska is the gate-keeper of the continent.
Alaska is situated between the least populous part of Russia and one of the least populous parts of Canada. It’s a lot like keeping a gate on the Moon.
So, we are here today at a changing of the guard. Now, people who know me, and they know how much I love this state, some still are choosing not to hear why I made the decision to chart a new course to advance the state.
And it’s a lot easier to influence policy and guide Alaska as an ordinary citizen with no political power than as the most powerful politician in the state.
So, as we all move forward together, let's vow to keep championing Alaska, to advocate responsible development, and smaller government, and freedom, and when I took the oath to serve you, I promised...remember I promised to steadfastly and doggedly guard the interests of this great state like that grizzly guards her cubs, as a mother naturally guards her own.
It’s like a hurricane hit the dependent clause factory and scattered them all over the place.
And I will keep that vow wherever the road may lead. Todd and I, and Track, Bristol, Tripp, Willow, Piper, Trig...I think I got 'em all.
I don’t get what she’s so uptight about. Letterman only implied that 1/6th of her children had gone to bed with an MLB player. This is a numbers game, woman.
We will forever be so grateful for the honor of our lifetime to have served you. Our whole big diverse full and fun family, we all thank you and I am very very blessed to have had their support all along, for Todd's support. I am thankful too. I have been blessed to have been raised in this last frontier. Thank you for our home, Mom and Dad, because in Alaska it is not an easy living, but it is a good living, and here it is impossible to lose your way. Wherever the road may lead you, we have that steadying great North Star to guide us home.
Hey, sometimes the North Star guides you home early. Like, really early. As in, before you’re done doing your job early.
Truman Capps salutes those of you who kept reading the whole time.